Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
