Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I look better un-naked...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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