I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
please don't ironically join a cult
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