I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
