I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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