I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's never too late to be topless.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
