I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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