chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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