What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
