i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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