he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
