He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
