final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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