I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
