You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
