Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
