Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
