you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
