im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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