I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
