I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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