1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
