mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
