My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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