i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
