i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
