nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
