She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
