i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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