I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
