When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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