If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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