so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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