y did u give ur computer a hand job?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
