I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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