The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
