Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
