Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
