I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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