I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
