seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
