what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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