My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
