I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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