When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
