Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
