how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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