Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
