Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
