Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
