My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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