i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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